Gone

[Pandemonium]

So my father-in-law passed away Saturday.

I know I've posted a number of times here the last half year or so about his ongoing medical issues and gradual decline. He never really fully recovered from his heart surgery and complications w/pneumonia last Oct and even though he got well enough to go back to Tucson and home in the last couple months, he was constantly fighting stubborn infections and a declining quality of life. He had a full time nurse set up in their home complete with a hospital bed. Being home seemed to greatly improve his mental outlook to the point he would talk about maybe restarting his real estate business or at least "playing the stock market" when he "fully recovered."

Unfortunately, just in the last month it was discovered he had cancerous myeloma in his bones which accounted for the nagging issues with his need for several blood transfusions every month and other blood and overall strength related problems that no one could figure the reasons for 'til then. Last Thursday, he fell ill with flu-like symptoms and after being hospitalized again he slipped into unresponsiveness and it was discovered he had suffered a heart attack *and* was battling yet another infection. Saturday morning an MRI revealed the infection had spread to his brain where there was significant bleeding. He was gone in just a few more hours.

Because my wife's side of the family is Jewish, they crank through the funeral stuff at warp speed. Milt died on Saturday and they had the service Sunday 10am and it was like 30 minutes tops. My wife was pretty freaked at some of the stuff they do for a Jewish funeral, like burying the body in a plain pine box ("they stuck dad in a shipping crate!"). Probably for the best, there's no viewing of the body (there's no embalming either).

I had to stay here in California with our son as my wife and I didn't think there'd be any way he'd handle all the people at the Sitting Shiva at the house after the funeral, much less the funeral itself outdoors in the hot Arizona sun even under a tent. I talked for a long time with my wife last night about how she's dealing with this as she was really close to her dad and she seemed more relieved than anything that his suffering was over. She had the chance to spend one last weekend with him a couple weeks ago when he was in unusually good spirits, pretty together mentally and healthy for his advanced condition and she felt that was perfect closure. The tough part was while talking last night over the phone, we both had to keep correcting ourselves in referring to him in the present vs now past tense. It's weird to think I'll never get another call from him usually right at dinner time asking some goofy computer-related question with me or my wife usually answering "Milt, look at the 2nd sticky I left on your monitor the last time we were there about what folder those files are stored in on your HD."

85 years is a pretty good run. Life goes on.

[Essence_Smith]

All my best to you and your family, as you said when it gets to the point where an individual is suffering through long term illness and the quality of life isn't too great its sometimes a relief knowing they're no longer in pain, etc...hope it gets better for you guys...

[chaos]

You have had a pretty rough year. My condolences to both you and your family.

[Artemis]

Sorry to hear of your loss, Pande.

My condolences to you and your family during this time.

As Es said, it is more difficult to watch someone live a diminished quality of life than their actual passing. And yeah, to live 85 years is pretty damn good!

[Hype]

Sorry to hear this Pandemonium. My (Jewish) grandfather died a few years ago, so I'm remembering the service a lot like you described it. I was one of the pallbearers, which was really odd (esp. since I had a broken rib at the time). The pine "shipping crate" thing I actually kind of liked. I think it's right to acknowledge that death is the return to nature, and not to associate the body with the whole person. The person remains (or survives) in the memories and effects (and DNA!).

The past-present thing will go one for a while. You have a lot of memories of him, and they all build in the notion that he's still alive.

I hope the grieving process is cathartic for you guys, and not too traumatic. (I've seen far too much traumatic grief over the past few years... it's painful...)

[SR]

All the best with it, for real.

[Juana]

That is a sad way to go I lost my grandfather on Feb 29th which is great considering he started refusing all medical treatment in Dec 2011, but it was much the same a lot of nagging things. So I feel for ya and your family it's terrible to watch a loved one waste away because health continues to fail.

[Romeo]

Sorry for your loss But you're right, we do it quick & dirty. The plain pine box & funeral the next day is really old school. We did that for my Grandma. My Parents we went a little more modern.

in the past 2 weeks my friends Dad died in his sleep (early 60's) and my other friends Aunt just passed away on Friday while my friend was on the last day of her Baltic Cruise/Iceland vacation.

[Larry B.]

I'm very sorry for your loss, man. I hope this is a good chance to start closing a cycle of severe grievances...

Best wishes for you, your wife and your family

[thoreau]

My sincerest condolences for you and your family, man. Having just dealt with something similar, I feel for ya.

[jptm]

sorry for your loss, P. getting older sucks, no matter how you look at it. hang in there and stay positive.

[creep]

we are having a lot of family deaths on this board lately. sorry for the loss.

[clickie]

i didnt wanna start a whole RIP thread but richard dawson died too, i still watch the feud at 2 inda morning and i think its gotten a lot raunchier lately..steve harvey is a funny mofo.

[lollapaloser]

Sorry dude.

[Pandemonium]

Thanks for all the kind words, people.

[mockbee]

Your father-in-law sounded like a fighter until the very end. We can all only hope to be so strong during our final years. May he rest in peace.

I hope you and your wife find some peace as well.

mockbee

[perkana]

As everyone has said before me, so sorry for your loss
I know dying after 80 and enjoying life to its fullest is the best, I lost my granddad to colon cancer. Now we're waiting for my dad's brother to pass away soon.

[Mescal]

My biology teacher told me once that if you lived up to 85 years you could pass away peacefully, because that would mean you had a good and healthy life.

I always remembered him saying that, cause I thought it was true.

Just a thought. Sorry for your loss.

[nausearockpig]

Sorry for your loss mate. Best wishes to you and your family.

[Jasper]

Sorry to hear about your family's loss. Like you say, 85 is a pretty good run, especially for a guy. Life does indeed go on.

[Pandemonium]

My wife was telling me last night that the get-together at the house after the funeral Sunday and yesterday (it's supposed to go on for 7 days but they're only doing it for 3) for the Shiva that all her parents friends are in the same twilight era and it's just depressing especially for her mother being around all these people that are in terrible physical and mental health and in many cases dying from various ailments. It's very likely she'll want to move out of Tucson to be close to either my wife, her other daughter or her son who are all spread across the country. So her choices would be Chicago, Atlanta or sunny coastal California (us).

[kv]

thats life man...she'll prob pick you guys not because of your wife or locaction but prob a big factor will be you....she knows you took care of her husband and that trust in you will prob be a big factor...for that if it happens you should be proud of yourself

[Matz]

yeah definitely, well said

[guysmiley]

Sorry to hear man. I know its been a long battle. Everyone I work with has lost someone this year. Its been a bummer.